Lost the Plot

Let’s be blunt.
We’re a little distracted.
What do you want?

Once we could follow,
now we cannot.
You would not fit our image,
so we lost the plot.

Once we could hear you,
now our senses are shot.
We’ve forgotten our first love.
We have lost the plot.

Last week one of my best friends shared something that really hit him hard. He was journaling and realized that he was doing a lot of stuff because he wanted God to like him.

My stomach felt like it hit my knees when I heard him say it because I felt like God was speaking to me in a way. But beyond that, I have been feeling convicted lately that I have been too worried about pleasing other people. Ouch.

I have been wondering if I lost the plot. I love everything I do, everything I get to be involved with, everything God lets me a part of that He’s doing in this world. But sometimes my motivations are not that noble.

And then yesterday happened. I’m still on a bit of a high from it. But I got the opportunity to volunteer with a really awesome group yesterday. It’s not church-based, it’s for kids from birth through 8th grade, and it’s made up of a bunch of people I don’t know.

Knowing my background with student ministry, they had me as the one and only middle school leader. Normally that’s their biggest group, but for whatever reason, yesterday only a handful RSVP’ed and showed up.

It was like starting over — and I wasn’t really sure how that was going to work going into it. I got into student ministry because I had a passion, but I kind of got sucked into middle school ministry even though at the time I’d rather have done high school. So I wasn’t sure what it was going to be like when you strip out all of the elements I’ve grown accustomed to and it’s just me, a few kids and three hours to fill. They don’t know me. I don’t know them.

I loved it. Last night in my journal, I wrote what a great day it was. I connected really well with one guy (the oldest one there by a good margin) in particular and at one point in the night I stood back and watched him play foursquare with a bunch of younger kids. I loved that dynamic. I stood back and had the biggest, stupidest, goofiest looking smile on my face. I had just met this guy and barely knew him at all and I was so proud of him and so excited to get to spend some time with him.

Sometimes I lose the plot. Sometimes I do things because I want the attention. Sometimes my motivations are not good. Sometimes I don’t know why we do what we do.

And then sometimes God gives me new life. Sometimes God sends me an incredible reminder of why I got into doing this in the first place.

I needed that reminder. I needed a reminder that it’s not about my performance, or about my position or standing. A reminder that God sees all the sacrifice, all the pain, all the blood, sweat and tears we pour into what we love. A reminder that it doesn’t matter who blesses or curses my ministry, so long as I’m doing it for Him and not for the praise of others.

I’ve drifted. I’ve lost the plot. I made it about me. What I can accomplish. What I can do.

When the whole point is … it’s about connecting kids with a God that loves them. Is there any better purpose in life?

I am SOOOOO excited. I have a renewed passion and determination. I’m holding nothing back. Let’s go!